A transcript from the the lesson Saving Marriages presented at the Southern Africa International Lectureship, Johannesburg, 2013.

Also Read Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I want you to know and re vision how God views us and how he wants us to go past the idea of fighting and turning our marriages into a place of power struggles and gender equality

A Wife is vital to a husband
– Atunement – Where you are so intimately in tune with each other that you literally can finish each others sentences
– We need to look at the way we handle our engagement of our couples
– We have to work hard to equip our congregations, and our leaders and our women and our men
– Those that have the capacity and willingness to be trained so that they can capably deal with these things
– People do not arrive at our congregations as whole, they arrive there broken, many have been molested and raped
– We as Gods church must understand that when these things come our way we must not run away, we must not deny that they exist, or even feel fearful to help
– We must understand that if we don’t know we must be trained.

4 Stages you walk into Church

1. You become a disciple of Christ
– That means you walk behind Jesus and you follow him wherever he goes

2. Son of God
– And by the sheer fact that you are now a follower of Jesus Christ you become a son of God. Once you become a son of God you become a child that lives within a Kingdom, Your conduct adjusts because of who you are not because of what you want to be

3. You become a leader
– You start leading people around to behave the same way as Jesus did

4. World Changer
– Because of the sheer fact that you are leading people you become a world Changer
– We have got the unique ability to change the church world and you need to open you mind to actually believe that
– The advantages of the church is that it has a built in character, leadership structure
– The church has an internal accountability structure
– The church provides an ideal opportunity to be loved and for forgiveness to be given and also received
– The church provides internal modelling – in other words people can see that following Jesus is possible
– People can follow your life and model their lives after yours as you love your wives or as your wive loves the husband
– All stages of development can be catered for in Sunday school
– And you can pick any child in any stage of their development and you can still get them to believe in God

Many Ministers marriages are also in trouble
– One denomination in cape Town has 20 ministers who have committed adultery in that denomination, they do not know what to do with them
–  Unless we train our men and we encourage our wives to assist our men in healing marriages,we are setting these men up for failure
– Don’t point a finger at someone who has fallen, cos you will need to answer the question, what have you done to bring up? At what point did you decide to withdraw from him? So that he would be allowed and let into that relationship?
– A concept in psychology called transference and counter transference
– They fallen in love with their clients
– Marriage therapy must be about healing the relationship
– Do not work with the individual
– When God speaks about Husband and wife he sees them and speaks of them as one!
– We should treat it as one, working to get them back to unity
– Its a process, and a very slow process but it can be done
– Every marriage no matter how difficult can be restored

In order for us to save marriages we need to revisit the idea of marriage and look closely at Jesus Christ and what he exemplifies in his behaviour
We need to study the word of God and look closely at the relationship between God and his bride the church. Not only the New testament but way back with Israel and all those metaphors of Hosea and look at how Israel was treated in the book of Isaiah.
– We must reframe the way we define the roles of husband and wife
– Husband and wife are together placed in a trusting relationship as they exercise stewardship over the children they have been entrusted to them. It is a huge task.
– When last have you sat with your children in the bedroom and just said a prayer with them while they are falling asleep
– When last have you sat and held your son and looked him in the eye and said to him I am so blessed that you are my son
– Obedience to Christ is not only taught but it is caught
– After all that I have done I must have done something right to deserve the love of my children
– When we are talking about marriage, we want you to reclaim our birthright
– Marriage comes from God, and you are a christian, we belong to God
– Marriage is not to be adapted to a changing world
– We must adjust our behaviour to fit in with what God has in mind
– We need to understand that the marriage relationship is directly related to the relationship that christ emulates to the church
– We need to restore our own marriages

When you look at marriages and people who are struggling don’t walk away from them.
They need your help. We know so much about Jesus we have tasted the heavenly gift when we share it with others it doesn’t get less.
– You will be like a spring of living water being able to quench the thirst of a dying world

Bro Derreck Beukes has a a full 200 page thesis on Marital Thesis, the first on African soil that a theoretical consideration of marital therapy has been given a proper theological framework

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